Marital Infidelity: Learning To Trust Again
Posted by thepurebed on October 14, 2008
The issue of trust has been on our mind as of late. We know that many of us have had our trust broken or broken the trust of another. Whether sexual (unfaithfulness, molestation, rape), abuse (verbal or physical), or other acts that dishonor or offend…the question becomes how do we learn to rebuild broken trust.
In marriage, the function of trust between the husband and wife is to provide sustained and deepening assurance that one can trust the other’s integrity to keep vows and promises, and to commit acts that build union rather than threaten abandonment. For someone who is learning to trust again, we offer the following 4 points for consideration.
It is natural to be doubtful and suspicious when our heart (trust) has been broken. We expect that this may/will happen again. Let’s take control of our thoughts and emotions. Choose to look for the accountability and transparency of the other who is looking to be forgiven and trusted again. Observe how the other is changing for good. Discuss what is working in those changes as well as what is not so that adjustments can be made by the offender. Abandon fear of failing again by focusing on the hope of a better and brighter future for the relationship.
1. Adjust expectations. It is natural to be doubtful and suspicious when our heart (trust) has been broken. We expect that this may/will happen again. Let’s take control of our thoughts and emotions. Choose to look for the accountability and transparency of the other who is looking to be forgiven and trusted again. Observe how the other is changing for good. Discuss what is working in those changes as well as what is not so that adjustments can be made by the offender. Abandon fear of failing again by focusing on the hope of a better and brighter future for the relationship.
2. Be patient and kind. Love is naturally patient and kind. Consider that you are giving the gift of patience to them which have broken trust. This gift is an investment in the future. Patience and kindness are virtues that are self-rewarding. Regardless of how others respond, patience and kindness make us better people for having given them and experienced them. Patience and kindness build an even temperament and allows us to make wise and rational choices about our future.
3. Examine ourselves. Heartbreak becomes an opportunity for us to examine our own limitations. We discover the capacity of our love and understanding. We come face to face with our insecurities and uncertainties. At best, we identify character, lifestyle, and other weaknesses on which we commit to work and strengthen. It is the ultimate relief and a resumption of power over your own emotions and thoughts to look inward and re-acquaint you with you.
4. Remember how you’ve been forgiven. Whether in the greatest spiritual sense or in everyday living, we have all offended others to some degree. In the same manner we desire to be forgiven of others, there is a demand on us to forgive. It helps to remind ourselves that, often, people can change and do better if given opportunity. How often have you improved yourself after getting something wrong and hurting another (in word or deed)? Let us be open to give what we have freely received.
Of course, in the end, trust must be earned by the offender. While forgiveness is essential for our own health and welfare, trust is not something we should offer to just anyone. If someone is not willing to earn trust… that someone is not worthy to be trusted.
