Mismatched sex drives…where mommas gotta have it and daddy, not so much. What in tarnation’s going on?
We have the most intelligent readership in the blogosphere, seriously. One of our astute readers called us on our apparent presumption that women are always playing catch-up in the sexual drive department and that it is men who ever ready. In fact, there are wives who have a desire for greater frequency of sexual intimacy than their dear hubbies. Why is this? Is she abnormal? Is he abnormal? What do we do? What in tarnation’s going on?
Because Normal Ain’t Normal
Let’s deal with the question of what is normal. We’ve talked about this previously. Normal isn’t defined by what everyone else is doing. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would… You get the picture? A normal sex drive is that which is produced by a well balanced perception of sexuality and a reasonably healthy body. If sex is a substitute for another deficient area of your life or if your body is in some extreme hormonal flux, then your appetite for sex may be somewhat ‘out of whack’. However, if you are of reasonable health (medically verified) and you see sex as an expression of desire for your spouse and a means to physically satisfy that desire, then you are straight and we move to the conversation about how to feed your ’sexual beast’!
Feeding The Beast
So, momma, your appetite for lovin’ is whetted more often than not (catch the pun, please). However, dear husband is slow to give up the goods because 1.) he’s tired, 2.) not in the mood, 3.) wanting to save himself for later when there’s more time, 4.) more wanting to watch TV, read a book or play his video game OR 5.) fill in the blank. What are you to do and is this a rejection of you? Is your drive too hyper? Is his too anemic?
The truth is that this can be a complicated situation. Unfortunately, we’d like to attend to these matters as though there is a singular cause for mismatched libidos. In fact, there are a combination of social, environmental and physical factors that threaten to suppress the drive of either spouse. in the particular case where wives are the higher drive, there are a few things to be considered:
1. A man who orgasms or ejaculates, typically requires some time to recover before he can ‘go’ again. Women, less so. You are more easily able to achieve consecutive orgasms in a lovemaking session.
2. If a man has a strong orgasm but has no ejaculate (because he expended it this morning during your lovemaking session), he is likely to grow sore. If he’s making love to you over consecutive days, he will not build up a strong sperm stream and will likely become more sore. This is somewhat age-related. Regardless, a sore penis is less likely to ‘get up’ when you call. A ‘dry’ woman can use lubricant. A man has no such quick fix. Either we can get it up…or we can’t!
3. Fatigue becomes a factor. Dependent upon your man’s physical prowess, sex can be a workout! For some men, working out takes a great reserve of energy that they may only be able to muster up 2 or 3 times a week.
4. Some men masturbate habitually. They just do it! Because they view porn, in the shower…in the bathroom at work, for whatever reason, some men feel as though they need immediate relief and masturbate rather than waiting or approaching their wives. This is largely a psychological phenomenon born of old boyhood habits. It is also a widespread reason why many men can’t last 5 minutes in the sack! And you may not even know he’s doing it! So when you ask him, ‘can we get it on’, he won’t even be able to get it up.
5. Getting older, heavier (especially around the midsection) and gaining more responsibility(at home, at work, elsewhere) produces stressors that make sex less a mental and physical priority.
Conversely:
1. Some women experience a natural increase in sex drive by virtue of physiological conditions that flood her body more often with secretions that support her sexual response system. It may be diet, the result of pregnancy or a life change that promotes confidence and a strong self-image.
2. Many women report that losing the worry of an ‘unplanned pregnancy’ bolsters drive. older women who’ve gone through menopause, women who have experienced a hysterectomy and pregnant women report that their present conditions help them feel free to pursue their sexuality without fear of consequence.
3. Women who stop taking birth control experience an increase in drive. The Pill in certain circumstances suppresses drive.
4. Women who exercise have a higher drive. This has to do with them helping their own physiology respond more readily to sexual stimulus. It also helps our self-image to know that we are doing great things for our bodies and feeling good about ourselves.
5. A strong sense of relationship security and a genuine physical attraction to our husbands produce a consistent desire to be with them.
As we’ve said, no one thing is exclusively true. A combination of the above can lead to mismatched sex drives. So, what can we do?
What To Do?
1. Recognize that intercourse isn’t the only recourse for sexual release. We don’t advocate solo masturbation because that behavior ultimately acts against the benefit of sex in marriage, intimacy. However, oral sex, sex toys, erotic massages and digital stimulation/penetration are ways to get our spouses to relieve us. Using these methods help preserve him for play…later.
2. In keeping with the above, use alternate means to relieve him. Help him preserve energy by offering a handjob or oral sex. The chances are greater that he may have something for you later.
3. Do some of the work. Because your drive is higher, you can work harder! Cowgirl is the classic position of a wife being on top. their are variations. But the goal is to mount and lead. Again, we are helping him to preserve himself.
4. Lube up! Though you may be mentally ready for sex, you may not be getting wet enough at times. pay attention to this. A dry vagina may result in a raw penis. That doesn’t help your cause.
5. Foreplay is your friend. Learn which foreplay activities appeal to hubby. Mix’em up. Don’t do everything every time. But build toward intercourse and give your low libido man a chance to catch up because you know that sometimes when momma’s hot, daddy’s not!
