Marital Intimacy: Candy, Songs, Candlelight and Sex

I read a great line on the dust cover of a book.  Intimacy is not technique.

It isn’t exactly a profound statement.  Then again, many of the important truths in our lives don’t sound particularly deep when we say them.  For instance, all that glitters is not goldis an old adage.  No reasonable person will argue with its accuracy and no-one would swoon at the hearing of it.  It is a basic truth.  Things that look good to us aren’t automatically good for us…or of inherent value.  However, knowing this truth, many of us buy cars, choose mates and clothes that look good but are not what we need.

So back to intimacy is not technique.  I shake my head that even, as women, many of us often don’t pickup that what we lack in our marriage is intimacy.  We lament about a loss of libido (sex drive).  We speak of spice.  We ruminate on the lack of romance.  And the answers we receive are about putting on romantic music, lingerie or trying new sexual positions.  As though, getting on all fours is going to create Oprah’s ‘aha‘ moment!

Others might suggest that we urge our hubby’s to surprise us with flowers and candy, a date night or with a candlelit dinner.  Flickering flames and the satisfying taste of Belgian chocolate notwithstanding, such remedies amount to trying to pop the clutch on a malfunctioning stick shift car.  You can let it roll down the hill but if the engine is busted, your car still won’t start…and now you are broke down in a low lying place.  Get it?

Okay, how about this?  The thing that distinguishes a marital relationship is the relational, emotional, mental, spiritual and legal closeness the estate demands.  Sweet candy, love songs, romantic candlelight and good sex can help exploit such closeness.  However, these devices can only support what must be pre-existing: intimacy.  The closeness that marriage demands is the intimacy we seek.  We want to be able to trust, respect and love our men…and have them give that back to us!

The hard work in marriage is not the outward facing stuff for which our friends and others are ready and willing to give us techniques and strategies.  It is building and restoring the inward facing stuff: self-examination, honest communication, assumption of best intents, willingness to change and true devotion.

Intimacy is not a technique or strategy.  Intimacy is him being Into Me and I into him.  We springboard into relationship success from that special place.   Yeah?

But I’ll take the candy, love songs, candlelight…yeah, and the good sex too!

About ThePureBed
Welcome and thanks for giving us a once over! Our blog celebrates and honors sexual intimacy in the context of marriage.

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