5 Statements That Reveal Serious Problems In Marriage

Over the years, we’ve heard some common complaints.  Typically made in exasperation, the statements themselves may be as telling of the problems as the description of circumstances surrounding them.

While not always the case, the 5 statements below often point to a need for action on the speaker’s part.

Statement 1: I thought he or she would change after we married.

Yes.  We all change in some ways after we are married.  In fact, we change even if we don’t get married.  The reality is that people change over time to adapt or cope to new situations and circumstances in their lives.

However, the idea that someone’s faults, imperfections or failures can be remedied by marriage is a setup for major disappointment.  Marriage is not meant to be a vehicle for personal evangelism

The past is prologue.  The best predictor of what a prospective spouse will be tomorrow is what they are today.

Statement 2: I’ll be happier if they’d just change.

Maybe.  The Bible has a statement that applies to this thinking.  We cannot see clearly enough to remove a mote in someone else’s eye while there is a beam in our own.  Get it?

The problem with this kind of thinking is that it promotes a presumption that one is not personally accountable or responsible for change.  Truly, we only ever have the capacity to change ourselves.  We can influence others to change.  However, this is usually most successful when we have become the change we are seeking.

Statement 3: I don’t feel the love I once had for them.

Oh no.  Unfortunately, we are indoctrinated to believe that love is that chemical attraction we experience in the earliest parts of courtship.  Carnal passion and ideals of romance drive us to wed.  The setting of the ordinary life then systematically strangles that passion and those ideals.  The parade of parental responsibilities, civic and ministry duties and the dull tick of predictable living suck the passion and romance from our dry bones.  And, now, the thrill is gone!

In fact, what successfully married couples recognize is that love is not a feeling.  While we feel affection, attraction and desire, love is a commitment, a choice.  God creates the sexual response system to get to talk to each other.  After that, however, adults are about the business of managing their behavior to maintain and promote love.  Love is about our behaviors and not our feelings.

Statement 4: He or she just doesn’t like to admit that I’m right.

You’re right.  However, we are not inspired by people who are right.  We are inspired to people who demonstrate they care. 

A constant contention in many relationships is that of convincing someone else that we are ‘right’.  In so many instances, a situation has no absolute right or wrong.  Choices are made and there are degrees of effect and impact.  Rational people may come together and negotiate toward a solution or strategy that satisfies the situation and integrates some of both of their thinking.  Each listens to the other and incorporates their thinking when responding.  Rational people demonstrate that they are listening and value the other’s contribution.

Too many spouses are irrational.  Frustration and discontent give way to drawing lines in the sand and staking territory.  In reality, so many arguments between mates are not about the presenting issue.  Rather, it is a battle of wills, a conflict of ideals that disallows either from hearing the other.

It is the habit of most people to collaborate best with those who demonstrate that they value the contributions of others.   We may receive more of the acknowledgements and affirmations we so desperately want and need when we consistently give our spouses our ear and show them we genuinely care about what they say and believe.

Statement 5: These are great!  How can I get my spouse to do this?

We can’t change others.  We can influence them and inspire them to change.  While giving someone something to read may help them, modeling good behaviors is a highly effective tool for inspiring and influencing others.  Cussing parents, who tell their children not to cuss, teach them more by what they do than what they say.  No, your spouse is not your child [insert joke here], but you do have sway over one another.  You react and respond to one another’s moods and approaches. 

Might we use this knowledge to introduce positive behaviors?  It may take time.  Wouldn’t the personal and potential relationship results be worth it?

Judge yourself.  Change yourself.  Do you!

About ThePureBed
Welcome and thanks for giving us a once over! Our blog celebrates and honors sexual intimacy in the context of marriage.

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