3 Things We Think Married Couples Must Know

In no particular order, here are three issues we look forward to blogging more about in 2012!  Of course, when we talk about sex, it is in the context of marriage between one man and one woman.

1. Orgasm isn’t less important than intimacy.  God made orgasm the physiological high-point of sex when he created the sexual response cycle to build to that end.  We don’t need to diminish its importance to exalt the importance of emotional/relational/spiritual closeness.  These things aren’t mutually exclusive. 

Perhaps the better message is that we should learn one another’s bodies so that lovemaking is an exercise in service resulting in pleasure with climax as a natural end.  If a spouse decides they don’t need to orgasm on a particular occasion, fine.  It’s not compulsory…except for when desired! I Cor. 7:2-5

2.  Having more sex doesn’t make us want to have more sex.   Having more good sex helps us want more sex.  Know one is anxious to re-experience a bad or even mediocre meal.  If the sex is lack-luster, poor or painful, why would we want more? 

Also, exercise, a balanced diet, having a strong marital relationship and healthy bodies help us to have a healthy libido.

3. Porn is NEVER a benign stimulant to our sex life.  Porn disrupts the plan of God for the sacredness of sex in our married lives.  Porn is commercialized denigration of womanhood as well as an inaccurate portrayal of manhood.  And porn is a way of experiencing sex without intimacy.  The images and offerings of porn are a contradiction to intimacy.

Intimacy is an intense focus on and into our mate.  Porn requires we an outer focus.  Those who take seriously the ‘one flesh’ principle of Genesis 2:24 can never be dismissive of the importance of intimacy during sexual relations.

It’s important that we be thoughtful about the role and impact of sex on our marriages.  We diminish them at our own peril.

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Welcome and thanks for giving us a once over! Our blog celebrates and honors sexual intimacy in the context of marriage.

4 Responses to 3 Things We Think Married Couples Must Know

  1. “Orgasm isn’t less important than intimacy.”

    Thank you for that. I know some get so about orgasm they miss a lot of good stuff, but all the “orgasm is not the goal” stuff our there today is getting a bit weird. It’s not THE goal, but if it’s not A goal something is wrong!


  2. thepurebed says:

    Well said, Paul. In any area, hyper-caution can be a danger of itself.

  3. Dave2 says:

    I am going to pass over the first two “Things….” and address number three.
    Porn is insidious. I cannot address the question of a husband and wife using it as a stimulus or tool for gleaning new technipues because it is something my wife and I do not do. Is it safe to use it in a “clinical” situation like that? I can’t speak to that and don’t know of any literature that does. I can tell you I do believe when used in a solitary situation it adds nothing to your intimate relation with your mate. Even if your mate knows and allows it, it will do nothing toward increasing a wife or husband’s feeling of intimacy and desire for one another. It may well feed their desire for sexual stimulation and orgasm, but it will ultimately misdirect their focus away from their mate as the object of their desire and actually rewire their brain as concerns their sexual response. It will lead to ED for men and create a disconnect between husband and wife. Porn creates a need for hyperstimulation that escalates with continued abuse of the images and scenarios visualized. It is not unlike the resultant obesity caused by overeating. We eat becasue it tastes good and feels good. The “good” part is where the problem lies. That good feeling is feeding a need we have but are not satisfying in an effective manner. We are medicating the pain but not treating the illness.

    It is the same with porn. We desire a feeling of intimacy and connectedness with our mate. We have felt that feeling before as a result of sexual stimulation and release with another human being. If we do not feel it with our mate we try porn. If we feel it with our mate, but they are not present or desiring sex at that moment, we use porn as a sexual surrogate for them. It would seem to be a reasonable option. The problem is we dissociate the sex act from our mate after time. The hyperstimulation of fantastic bodies, acts your mate won’t engage in, a willingness to be naked with the lights on and always a climax are heady stuff. A lot of needs and wants are satisfied in one place at one time and on demand 24/7/365. The problem is, it will not meet the need for intimacy and connection, especially for men. Men need to engage through physical touch to connect with their wives. Women have sex with us because they feel connected. Men have sex to connect. You cannot connect in a healthy way with a 2D image on screen or on a page. Like the addictive “drug” it is, porn use will result in the need for a progression toward higher dosages to achieve the desired effect. Unlike an physical drug, there is no way to quantitively evaluate the increasing dosage with porn. Qualitatively, the sex acts may become more away from the social norm to increase the stimulative value. You find yourself surfing for better thrills. If you think not, why don’t you just stick to the one image that originally worked. The variety/boredom argument is not valid here, or even within a marriage. Variety does not create intimacy and connectedness with another person. Quality communication and a desire to serve another through love does. Porn offers none of that. Focus your lust and desire toward your mate the next time you feel arousal. Think of them and how you would satify that feeling with them if they were willng and present. Women need to feel desired, not as a sexual recptacle, but as a sensual and sexual being. They need to know they are the only focus of your lust and desires. They need to feel secure in your relationtionship with them. Ladies, believe it or not, men need to feel desired and lusted after also. You know we have an ego problem as it is anyway. More than anything, we need to feel respected. Nagging destroys that feeling. “If I don’t stay on top of him, nothing will get done. He’ll forget.” That may be true at times, but is it always? When you continue to beat us over the head with an issue, you are not allowing us either to change or see the change if it happens. You are living in our past and holding us there too. “You always…..”. Really? Always? Try to see the change and let us know you do. It is a sign of respect that you recognize our ability and effort to become better husbands. In return, we will try to notice how clean the house is; how tasty dinner is; how well looked after the family is; and how much we need you in our lives and God, you look beautiful in that outfit. I will stipulate to the fact that we do seem to have an issue with remembering. If anybody missed it, the things important to wives I mentioned above are some of the ways we men show respect for them. Try asking your wife what is important to her and where she desires recognition. Listen. Write it down. Post it where you can see it daily. Then, REMEMBER to comment on them frequently. You will reap way more than you sow when planting in this garden, guys. And ditch the porn.

  4. Pingback: Quit Using Sex as a Weapon « Love Sex and Marriage

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