Energizing Your Sex Life

Energizing Your Sex Life

Image by Łukasz Strachanowski via Flickr

The bad rap on marriage is that wedded couples experience diminished quantity and quality.  Whether it is the familiarity couples enjoy with one another, the rigors of our daily lives or a combination of these and other factors, the reality is that sex can get routine and less fulfilling without some proaction.  We recommend 3 areas that can Read more of this post

Tap the Fat and Ride the Wave?

Weight gain.  This is an enormously sensitive and, possibly, painful occurence in many marriages.   You married them at 120 lbs.  Now they’re 220 lbs.  It’s not just the gain.  It’s the way you feel about it.  The problem is how you both feel about it.  How are you suppose to feel about it?! Read more of this post

Make It Happen! When She Does and He Doesn’t

Anecdotal, the number of women decrying their husband’s sex drive is increasingly public and desperate.  Raging against popular perceptions of stereotypical gender attitudes toward sex, many wives are saying ‘he has what I want and he’s not sharing!’  What’s up with that? Read more of this post

Orgasm: How You Get Her There…

All women are not equal!  Calm down.  What I mean to say is Read more of this post

Some Men Just Don’t Get It…Literally!

Recently, my wife and I were part of a roundtable discussion on Marriage and Communication. The discussion brought us to a point where initiation of sexual intimacy became prominent. We’d started talking about how our daily activities would wind down and how couples navigated the murky waters of whether or not there would be lovemaking on a particular evening.

The energy level of the group increased. Notably, physical reactions to the discussion became more demonstrable. Men making points received ‘high fives’ from other men in agreement. Women gave similar acknowledgement to one another. And without exception, the women agreed that sex doesn’t happen for three major reasons. While unscientific and not necessarily representative of married women in general, these reasons are oft repeated to me in private marriage counseling sessions, online forums and elsewhere. While anecdote is not necessarily evidence, we think them important enough to review.


1. Timing is bad. “He asks to late in the evening” or “…too early in the morning” or “…when I’m trying to finish an important task.”

Clearly in this case, the answer is not ‘no’ as much as it is ‘not right now.’ The spouse who responds to such initiation might do well to communicate deferment rather than denial. In other words, communicate that you are unready and then assume the responsibility of offering a better time. The spouse who initiates should take note of what times appear to be ‘bad’ and a.) Offer an alternate time or b.) Determine what can be done to make that time better (i.e. help with the task) and take ownership of making ‘bad’ times better!

2. Approach is bad. “What’s up?”, “Are we doing something to night?”, and “Am I hitting that?” seemed to be largely unsuccessful and/or unappealing approaches by men to initiating sexual intimacy!

More than what words we use, communicating a desire for intimacy may require more or less…tact. Communication is comprised of more than just word selection. It is tone of voice, body language, a measure of effort to woo (sometimes) and a pre-existing judgment by the other party of your motives and designs. The assembled women didn’t particularly like that sex was requested regularly without attempts to build arousal, desire, or romance prior. In these cases, it became clear that the wives viewed these approaches as being indicators that sex was only a physical experience for their husbands. I probably don’t have to tell you that sex is more and that most women see it as such (men too). However, perception can be reality. If she perceives this is going to be a wham-bam-thank you-ma’am experience, her sexual response system will disengage and leave her cold to the idea of intercourse. Guys…pay attention to what you are saying and how you are saying it. Reference concern number 1 to make sure your timing is right!

3. Environment is bad. Conditions were described in which sex was requested on the heels of a fresh argument, after discussing stressful financial issues or with other unresolved issues fresh on their minds.

If we only made love when everything was well with us, well…there’d be a lot fewer births! However, the idea that sexual intimacy can be therapeutic has to be one that is shared. While we really shouldn’t let a sun set on our anger as a couple, there are things that can’t be resolved in a day or evening. An environment can turn ‘bad’ when unresolved issues are left hanging in the air without the promise of resolution. Ultimately, we can find a great deal more comfort as married couples when we are careful to provide a transparent commitment to working through difficult issues with a an equally transparent commitment to growing and strengthening the relationship’s bond. In other words, if the ‘no’ to sex is because there is resentment or lack of desire as a result of problems or stress, each should take the opportunity to assure the other that, as a team, you will succeed and overcome. Schedule a time to come together to resolve the open issue(s). Then, make passionate love in affirmation and celebration of your commitment to one another.

The above observations assume much.


  • The marriage is fundamentally strong…outside the bedroom
  • Each spouse believes the other’s fidelity
  • Each spouse is committed to the other’s satisfaction
  • Neither spouse has an unspoken resentment or emotional injury that would prohibit healthy sexual interaction

If you are struggling in other areas of your marriage, sexual intimacy may suffer. See your pastor, a therapist or marriage counselor for help. If you can’t afford to pay for such assistance, speak with an older couple you know for sage advice on how to get your marriage back on track.

Be open to their advice and the idea that you might have to change things about yourself to make your marriage…and sex-life better!

Husbands Becoming Better lovers!

The struggle for couples to find their sexual stride and work cooperatively to achieve sexual fulfillment can be challenging.  Sexual compatibility is made more difficult when Read more of this post

What You Thinkin’?: Focusing During Lovemaking

‘Did I turn the heater down?’, “I hope I have enough bread for the kids’ lunches tomorrow.’, ‘You know, if I leave right after the kids go to school, I can probably stop by my friend’s house for a while after I’m done at the church.’….

These are the kind of random thoughts that can float through my head if I’m not consciously attending to the moment during times of intimacy.  It has less to do with hubby’s performance than the inclination of the human mind to continually process and assess.

It took a few years before I figured out how to conquer the random thinking.  I’ll just tell you a couple of ways I do it (that I believe are healthy), then I hope you can share yours.

1. I talk.  Talking to my husband during sex and listening to him talk to me help keeps me ‘dialed in’ during THE DO.  It’s not always provocative talk.  It’s humor, playful taunting, occasional ‘I love you’, and compliments.

2. I focus on the environmental things that increase my arousal.  I like the sound of heavy breathing, moaning, slurping, sucking, etc.  I’m turned on by the smell of semen and the general smell of sex mixed with the aroma of scented candles.  These environmental elements are a great focus to stay ‘in the mood’.

3. I focus on what I am doing to bring him pleasure.  If we are into intercourse in the missionary position, though it is his power position, I can move my hips forward and backward as a counter move to his own.  I can tighten my pelvic muscles as when doing Kegels to increase his enjoyment.  I can simply describe what he is doing into his ear.  Just the act of doing that can be more arousing to him…and me.  Sometimes, a sensuous kiss gets the mind back on track.

We are both great lovers.  However, we both can fall victim to rogue thoughts.  Do you lose your focus sometimes during intimate moments?  How do you successfully get it back on track?

Do You Know His Erogenous Zones?

Wives, do you know what areas of your dear husband’s body are most sensitive to touch?  Where, besides his penis, is he responsive to heightened arousal? Read more of this post

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